Eh hello. My names Tim and I’m a criminal, In the eyes of society I need to be in jail For the choice of herbs I inhale. This ain’t no wholesale operation Just a few eighths and some Playstations my vocation I pose a threat to the nation And down the station the police hold no patients Let’s talk space and time I like to get deep sometimes and think about Einstein And Carl Jung And old Kung Fu movies I like to see Pass the hydrator please Yeah I’m floating on thin air. Going to Amsterdam in the New Year – top gear there Cause I taker pride in my hobby Home made bongs using my engineering degree Dear Leaders, please legalise weed for these reasons.

Like I was saying to him. I told him: “Top with me and you won’t leave.” So I smacked him in the head and downed another Carling Bada Bada Bing for the lad’s night. Mad fight, his face’s a sad sight. Vodka and Snake Bite. Going on like a right geez, he’s a twat, Shouldn’t have looked at me like that. Anyway I’m an upstanding citizen If a war came along I’d be on the front line with em. Can’t stand crime either them hooligans on heroin. Drugs and criminals those thugs on the penny coloured will be the downfall of society I’ve got all the anger pent up inside of me.

You know I don’t see why I should be the criminal How can something with no recorded fatalities be illegal And how many deaths are there per year from alcohol I just completed Gran Tourismo on the hardest setting We pose no threat on my settee Ooh the pizza’s here will someone let him in please “We didn’t order chicken, Not a problem we’ll pick it out I doubt they meant to mess us about After all we’re all adults not louts.” As I was saying, we’re friendly peaceful people We’re not the ones out there causing trouble. We just sit in this hazy bubble with our quarters Discussing how beautiful Gail Porter is. MTV, BBC 2, Channel 4 is on until six in the morning. Then at six in the morning the sun dawns and it’s my bedtime.

Causing trouble, your stinking rabble Boys saying I’m the lad who’s spoiling it You’re on drugs it really bugs me when people try and tell me I’m a thug Just for getting drunk I like getting drunk Cause I’m an upstanding citizen If a war came along I’d be on the front line with em.

Now Terry you’re repeating yourself But that’s okay drunk people can’t help that. A chemical reaction inside your brain causes you to forget what you’re saying.

What. I know exactly what I’m saying I’m perfectly sane You stinking student lameo Go get a job and stop robbing us of our taxes.

Err, well actually according to research Government funding for further education pales in insignificance When compared to how much they spend on repairing Leery drunk people at the weekend In casualty wards all over the land.